Do you know a woman in your life who entered her thirties and started walking differently, talking differently and reminding you of how horny she is? Congratulations! You know someone who is sexually peaking!
Whatever you already bought her for Christmas, return it! A sexually peaking woman needs a gift that considers this new phase of her life. A gift that says 'You're sexually peaking and I support you. But not in that way. Unless you want it to be that way. Whatever. We can talk about it later.'
So what do you get the sex-crazed lady in your life? Well, there are a lot more options than you think. Gifts that go beyond the predictable vibrator and gag gifts from Spencer's, although I'm kinda obsessed with the Life Size Allie McSqueal Love Doll. Give her something she'll remember as she peaks into 2017 and beyond!
1) Uber Gift Card
A sexually peaking woman is more open to adventure and exploring new positions, er, territories. However, when the exploration is over, there is a chance she finds herself somewhere inconvenient, perhaps even New Jersey! An Uber Gift Card guarantees she gets home in style.
2) Beyonce Dance Class
Sexually peaking while watching Beyonce is like being high and listening to Pink Floyd: It feels so right. Beyonce's movements paired with lyrics like 'I'm feeling myself' and 'Hand prints and good grips all on my ass' is a sexually peaking woman's elixir. Luckily, there are now Beyonce-themed dance classes to support a full-blown Bey addiction. These dance classes are great for times when a woman wants to peak alone.
3) Full-Length Mirror
Not only will this come in handy when she goes home and practices her dance moves, a full-length mirror is A MUST while a woman sexually peaks. Vanity is important in this stage of her life because damn, she looks good.
4) Touch Gloves
Don't let cold weather get in the way of her nonstop sexting. Spend the extra money for a good pair with ten-finger access. Mmmm. Ten-finger access.
5) Velvet Leggings
She's gonna be touching herself more either way so why not make it smooth and fun? Velvet leggings are perfect for cold weather excursions as well as a good personal rub down. Think Prince.
6) Cooling Sheets
The brain of a sexually peaking woman is often cloudy with a side of fiery loins. It's hard to snuff the peak but necessary when it comes to a good night's sleep. Cooling sheets from SHEEX guarantee 'the cool side of the pillow all the time' as well as, brace yourself, 'moisture-wicking technology.' I don't know what 'moisture-wicking' is but boy do I want it.
7) Ink for her printer
This has nothing to do with peaking. It's just so damn expensive.
8) Boudoir Photography Session
Boudoir photography, the art of intimate, sometimes sensual photography, has been trending as the perfect gift for brides to their husbands. I say, screw the husband. This is a gift for her. She is in her prime and deserves to be photographed as such for her eyes only. She can even get a wallet-size print that will fit perfectly next to her pocket vibrator.
9) Tickets to a Peaches Concert
Peaches has been telling us for years to 'Fuck the Pain Away' but she's also been schooling us with lesser-known gems like 'Dick in the Air', 'Diddle My Skiddle' and my personal fave, 'Stuff Me Up.' A Peaches concert will surely speed along the peaking process. Her shows come fully equipped with blow-up dicks, vagina back-up dancers and the occasional strap-on. Strap in.
This isn't a code word for vibrator, dildo or 'massage-wand.' I mean an actual selfie-stick. After she gets her boudoir photos printed, she'll realize the full potential of her curves and angles and the selfies will begin.