If you’re like me and have a dog with bigger anxiety issues than your own, then you know how difficult sexy time can be. Simply closing the door on Sparky is not an option. Believe me. I've tried it and it always ends in a puddle of pee outside my door. Neither sexy nor sanitary.
For me, the most challenging part as a dog owner when bringing someone home isn’t the actual sex. My dog could care less about watching me bone (Get it? Bone!). There’s nothing for him to do except fall asleep to the hypnotic, rhythmic sounds of passion. Yes, passion. But, if you’re lucky, more importantly, if your partner isn't a selfish jerk, you’ll experience hours and hours of oral sex. This is where things get tricky for you and exciting for Sparky. Oral sex is wet and sloppy. Plus, if you're doing it right, there's going to be a lot of moving and shaking and your dog is gonna want IN. So what can you do?
1) Bring a Playmate – You already have your playmate, which is probably making your dog super jealous. Get them a friend!
2) Lay Back and Fetch – If you’re receiving, take this opportunity on your back to tire puppy out with some fetch. Be careful it doesn’t lead to tug of war. We don’t want to disrupt!
3) Train Your Dog to ‘Play Dead’ Using the Command ‘Oh my God, Yes!’ – Chances are you’ll be repeating this phrase a lot. Make things easy on yourself.
4) Maintain Eye Contact – It’s no secret dogs are better behaved when you pay attention to them. WARNING: This has the potential to get very creepy very fast. Use sparingly and with precaution.
5) Compliment…A LOT – Dogs want to know they’re being good little boys or girls and luckily, so does someone who has their face in your crotch. Kill two birds.
6) Gonna Be Awhile? Peanut Butter! (Not in a weird way) – If you know it takes you a little longer to get where you want to be, buy yourself some time. Spread a healthy amount of peanut outside your room and let your pup go to town while someone goes to town on you.
7) Sex Toys –DO NOT GIVE YOUR PERSONAL SEX TOYS TO YOUR DOG. Get your dog their very own! Well not sex toys, exactly. But a toy that you only allow them play with when it’s sexy time*. They’ll be distracted playing with their rare toy, you’ll be excited playing with yours.
*Avoid squeaky toys. Unless that’s your thing.