Dear Abby... / by Carolyn Busa

Dear Abby,

Whenever my dog touches himself, he stares me dead in the eye. The thing is, I always stare back. Am I a bad mom? 

Signed,
Concerned Mother

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Dear Concerned Mother,

Of course it's ok to look back! When your dog looks you in the eye, that's his way of showing you affection. As long as you aren't getting any sexual satisfaction out of watching, all is well. 

Good luck! 

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Dear Abby,

Thank you for your reply! When you say 'sexual satisfaction', what exactly do you mean? I mean, I'm not like, participating in any sexual acts with my dog but I do find watching him pleasure himself, gives me pleasure as well. Am I going to get arrested?

Signed,
I Never Had Pets Growing Up

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Dear I Never Had Pets Growing Up, 

Relax, you are not going to get arrested for feeling thoughts of pleasure. But please, please, please, NEVER ACT ON THEM. 'I never had pets growing up' will not hold up in court when someone finds photos of you fucking your dog. Believe me. Once I accidentally kissed my dad on the lips and my friends would NOT shut up about it. 

You got this!

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Dear Abby,

You kissed your dad on the lips? YIKES.

Signed,
You Nasty

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Dear You Nasty,

Haven't you ever went in for the cheek and the person shifts their head at the last moment? Please, don't act like that never happened to you before. Ugh, why did you even write to me in the first place? Why am I wasting my time writing back to you? People used to write to me with REAL problems about love and loss and overbearing step-moms. How'd you even find my address? You realize there's a whole stamp-free world of advice out there called THE INTERNET, right? You should try it out. I'm sure there are a TON of people out there who are aroused by their pets. Maybe you should ask them for advice, you freak. 

Go fuck yourself.

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Dear Abby,

Hey sweetie. I think you may have sent this to the wrong person? Or maybe this is some sort of joke I don't get. Either way, it was great to hear from you. It's been too long. I'll tell Dad you said hi.

Love,
Mom

PS. Remember when you accidentally kissed your father on the lips? That was so gross.