Masturbation.
The end.
Just kidding. Masturbation is indeed a wonderful way to combat celibacy but it isn’t the only solution.
Also, let me backup.
What is celibacy, Wikipedia?
Celibacy is the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons. Mostly used in terms of abstaining from sexual relations. It is often in association with the role of a religious official or devotee.
That’s exactly the definition portrayed on the 6-time Emmy award winning series, Fleabag, as Fleabag grappled with her Hot Priest crush. Given the series popularity, celibacy should be popping off like Rachel’s haircut any day now. Everyone’s doing it! Er, not doing it.
But, ugh, that definition of celibacy is so intense! Religion?! No, no. My celibacy practice has nothing to do with any deity or leader. It’s also neither voluntary nor pushed away. It just...is.
Whether you’re having sex every day or every other week, there’s going to be the times in beween when you aren’t. Don’t worry. This isn’t a sex drought and happens to everyone. Sleep, work, commute, shitty dates, stomach aches, shitty dates with stomach aches, deadlines, presidential debates - there’s always going to be someone or something that gets in the way of you fucking. But instead of living life with the constant mindset of “I need to get laid”, there are things you can do to earn your oxytocins and embrace those moments with grace, dignity, and, of course, dirty thoughts.
Crushes
Gotta have em. I don’t care if you’re in a committed relationship or poly-boly-quad-trolley - always be crushin’. Keep one everywhere you go. Like chapstick. Actually, my advice is to never have less than 10. They’re free. Stock up.
Crushes make the days more exciting. You’ll walk into your neighborhood coffee/hardware/grocery/bodega shop and be like ‘Oh right! I have a crush here!’ You’ll be so busy flirting, you won’t even realize you aren’t having sex.
Baths
A good bath can be as fulfilling as any bedroom session. If done right.
In my recent article for Emojibator, I give you a run-down of how to give yourself a sexy bath. Through my own sexy bath research, I’ve compiled everything you need to take your bath from sexy to sexy. Don’t you just love italics?
Practice your knife skills
When you’re practicing celibacy in between having sex, you may find you feel a little more...intense than usual. I find a great way to channel this intensity is learn or practice a new skill. Especially one that requires concentration, a steady hand, and the risk of bleeding out.
Jkjkjk.
But seriously, make a salad that requires a lot of chopping and dicing. Pretend that green pepper is begging to be sliced, that tomato insisting to be cut. Really listen to how the knife moves with their skin and take note for future handling of sensitive items.
Start planning
I find the best cure for vacation depression is to start planning another vacation. So, whether you have a partner in mind or not, start giving your next rendezvous some initial thoughts. Get some recommendations from friends who are willing to share reviews.
What moves will you want to do? What things will you want to say? Do you want to take the southern route or northern route? Are there any places you missed the last time? Roadside attractions you want to check off? Where will you stay? What will you skip? Is your passport up-to-date?
Figure out these details now because your next sex adventure will pop up sooner thank you think.
Make eye contact with a dog
I can’t stress this enough. Staring at a dog is by far the second best prescription for temporary celibacy.
I start every morning with 60-seconds of holding eye contact with my Remy. This gives me enough oxytocins to get up and take my morning shit without once thinking about sex.
I can’t be certain if this works the same for cats. Please exercise caution.
Don’t just eat cheese, become the cheese
Cheese is so good I think we sometimes forget to take the time to enjoy it. But if you currently aren’t having sex, it is extremely important to activate all 5 of your senses when eating cheese.
The best way to do this is to become the cheese. Some things to consider:
How would your body taste as mozzarella? How would your body look as sharp cheddar? What noises would you make if you were crumbled blue cheese? Would a truffled asiago have a really loud or really quiet orgasm? Are you shredded? Are you whole? Are you melting?
This is a wonderful exercise to get to know your body while also eating cheese.