Friends ended in 2004 but in 2019 there has been a Friends renaissance. A Friendsaissance, if you will (Copyright. Trademark. I came up with that shit.). Pop-up events, anniversaries, Netflix, Jennifer Aniston joining Instagram, whether you want em’ or not. Friends is baaack.
When I was younger, Phoebe was always the ‘friend’ I related to most. She was goofy, a loner, she was creative, and she loved attention. But as I rewatched the show as an adult, it wasn’t her goofiness I related to, it was her sexual independence. Phoebe was by far the most sexually liberated friend despite what ‘How you doin’?’ Joey would have you believe. Phoebe-smelly-cat-singing-Regina Phalange-gave-birth-to-her-brother’s-triplets-Buffay was always in search of satisfaction. And not in the ways we were used to seeing. She was rarely in relationships that lasted more than a few episodes. She dated scientists, firemen, musicians, cops, therapists, cooks, international politicians, stalkers. She enjoyed casual sex and like me, she rarely let a crush simmer before diving in:
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasn’t a date! That was, that was just friends getting together…having sex.
All of this made Phoebe Buffay’s eventual marriage to Mike (Paul ‘Ugh’ Rudd) extremely disappointing. Not only was it a rushed story line, it didn’t line up to the Phoebe I looked up to. The Phoebe that made my own hunt for independence and sexuality feel normal.
Fictional figures in popular culture end up being there for us when, perhaps, we don’t have anywhere else to turn. Look at Cathy. From 1976-2010 Cathy Guisewite made a wildly popular comic strip for women entering those “transitional years of American feminism”; when Betty Crocker and Betty Friedan were clashing. The always ‘AACK!’-ing Cathy was a role model for women who were realizing even if they couldn’t always fit into their jeans, they still deserved great things in life. As I question my own great things, my changing definitions of love, intimacy, sex and independence, I’d love to get insight from ‘someone who’s been there.’ But with no Phoebe or comic strip to turn to, finding role models representative of the less conventional love life I am seeking, real or fiction, isn’t always easy. But! They’re out there.
At the beginning of the year I came across an article about the recently deceased Vogue Fashion Editor Babs Simpson. Not only was I impressed with the longevity of her life, I was impressed with the longevity of her unconventional, 35-year relationship to art collector and writer, Paul Magriel. Instead of moving in together, the two kept their separate apartments in the same building in Manhattan and spent weekends together in Amagansett, New York. She shared that their flawless relationship would’ve been ruined if they lived together. “I didn’t want to be making meals all the time, and that sort of thing. Paul was a very free spirit, and I didn’t want to be pinned down any more than he did. It couldn’t have worked better.” she said.
Considering the time Babs lived in, I wondered if her arrangement was known to all or kept secret or if that even mattered. Because even if it was a secret, even if she had no one to turn to for advice or support, the end result was her happiness. Hearing stories like Babs’ is important. It’s those real experiences that hopefully influence the experiences of future, fictional Phoebe’s. Or Abbi’s.
[Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce spoiler alert!]
Leading up to the series finale of Bravo’s Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce, protagonist Abbi and her boyfriend Mike (What’s with Mikes?) started living together. Suddenly their sexy, loving relationship stopped working. Did they break up? No! In fact, not only did they get married, Abbi and Mike decided to live in separate houses! I was thrilled to see tradition take a backseat to something different that worked for these characters.
It’s storylines like this that can bring lesser accepted concepts to our mainstream conversations. So when I and others want to share our own ‘new’ ideas about romance, we don’t have to first prove ourselves as reliable sources. When recently a friend shared with me that he and his wife have been living in separate houses for years, he confessed it wasn’t a fact always easy to share. Early on it made them nervous to tell people. But the nerves that came along with sharing didn’t matter once the success of it was realized. Their living arrangement, while foreign to most, allowed their relationship to thrive. They had date nights, they were excited to see each other and they remained the individuals that each of them fell for in the first place.
Having a friend or character or comic strip ‘who’s been there’ is helpful. Hearing someone else’s experience can help guide our own. If stories like the above continue to be told, continue to be accepted and continue to get louder, soon everyone will have a pre-Mike Phoebe or a Cathy or a Babs to look up to. Maybe you already are the Babs! If that’s the case, grab a pen, grab a paintbrush, grab a person, grab whatever it is that will amplify your story. Believe me, someone needs to hear it.