Note to reader: I wrote this a little over a week ago before life was put on pause. But now that our world has been thrown into a ‘WTF do we do with ourselves’ state of mind, perhaps some of this ‘advice’ may still ring true. Being too horny is never fun and I imagine for a lot of us (especially those without live-in partners who are spending their quarantine at their parents ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ), it’s about to get a lot worse. I hope you find some humor in this and I hope you and your loved ones stay safe and healthy.
My insides are suddenly tingly. My plans for the night suddenly shattered. My brain is slowly becoming a cloud. But not the kind of cloud that stores all my JPEGs and PDFs in organized folders, no. This is a storm cloud of disorganization and randomness only accepting those files with a .horny extension.
Every so often my libido takes over my body. I disconnect from Me and enter the realm of being Way Too Horny Me. I usually go down many Google rabbit holes, typing in variations of ‘help I’m too horny’, ‘sex drive out of control’, ‘SOS high libido’, but everytime I do, I’m met with some guru or YouTube persona telling me to simply channel my libido.
I abhor being told to channel my libido. Oh you know that powerful, primal thing stirring inside you? Yeah, try watercolors. It’s not that I don’t have partners that match my libido, it’s that they only match when we’re together. And because our sex life has to be constrained to a calculated, bullshit of ‘casual’ encounters that can occur only every so many days before being misconstrued as ‘too serious’, until I find the appropriate, willing partner, I’m left alone to clean up the mess.
But I’m still not sure what channeling my libido even entails! The sites I come across always seem to contain vague, breathy instructions paired with images reminiscent of trippy posters sold at Spencers Gifts in the 90s, as if this trypophobia nightmare represents my desire.
Well, now I’m just horny and nauseous!
Their advice reads as if I’m some spiritual Na’vi, ready to connect my tail into some sparkling, purple flower growing out of mother earth’s vag. But I’m not a Na’vi and as I said before, I don’t have the proper mountain banshee lying around ready to accept my life force! So when I read things like “allow your sexual energy to flow through without resistance but also contain it at the same time” I want to scream!
Okay, so my sexual energy is my creative life force energy juice blah blah blah. But please! Give me some advice I can actually understand! Until then, here is my own temporary plan for curbing those stubborn, extended moments of horny.
1. Watch Netflix’s Cheer
I wasn’t horny the entire 6 episodes. Jerry's pureness, Monica’s stone-cold glares, the constant possibility of broken bones, that one guy’s mustache - there’s a lot of distraction in this docuseries.
2. Organize your tupperware
How many miso soup containers does one really need? To stack or not stack? Lids on or off? Play around with some sorting variations and make a promise to yourself to stay organized for at least 24 hours.
3. Change your duvet cover
Instead of sexual frustration, try inside out, left side, right side, top or bottom wtf-is-this-thing frustration!
4. Clean your underwear in your bathroom sink
Believe me, you’ll never look at your intimates the same way again. Something about getting up close and personal with them in the same place you brush your teeth is disturbing. I also keep a bucket in my apt which does the trick.
5. Text all your friends about how horny you are
You’ll find out who your true friends are fast. Maybe have fun with it and come up with a little chain letter: Text your ten horniest friends or you’ll be too horny F0REveEEEErrrrrrrr$$$!!!!
6. Update your shit
Is your passport up-to-date? Check now. How ‘bout your license? Starting October 2020, you’re gonna need one of those new licenses to fly. But be careful if planning any vacations. Vacations are usually sexy and planning one could make you hornier.
7. Chakras are a thing, right?
Seems like this orange one’s got something to do with our groin and creativity. Give that a pat when you don’t feel like or are sick of masturbating.
8. Dance around your apartment like no ones watching with all your blinds up and heck wearing no clothes
Note: This only helps if you’re an exhibitionist.
9. Up your GIF game
Download Giphy and get to giffin’! Create a stockpile of personalized horny GIFs for your next sexting session.
10. Stare at your dog for as long as necessary
It’s scientifically proven that staring into a dog’s eyes is as fulfilling as an orgasm. And while that’s entirely not true at all, a long look into a dog’s eyes is sometimes just the thing we all need (as long as they let you).