Whether you’ll be watching Super Bowl LIII this weekend or not, there still remains a lot of TV to watch. Too much. But there’s also a lot of sex to have. This is quite the predicament. How do we keep up with our sex lives while also keeping up with all the latest and greatest tv shows, games, documentaries, commercials, miniseries, docuseries, game shows, and 60 Minute interviews everyone is talking about?!
Just like everyone enjoys sex differently, people enjoy TV differently too. What if you and your partner aren’t on the same episode? What if one of you is, ahem, behind? What about having sex during season finales? Series finales? My god, British Bake Offs?!
Relax!
There are many ways to watch (or, if you’re a squirter, stream) without sacrificing your libido. I’ve done some research and, with the help of Bad Girls Bible, compiled some of the more popular viewing pleasures with the best positions. But remember, when attempting any of the below, exercise caution and protection. Condoms, yes, but you may also want to consider ear plugs for the Maroon 5 Halftime Show.
The One With The Episode You’ve Seen A Million Times
Every now and then we sacrifice the new, popular show for something we’ve seen a million times before. Reruns make us feel safe, feel comfortable. We can quote every episode and yet still laugh at a joke we’ve heard a million times before (Think Friends, Frasier, Seinfeld). Given the urge to quote the dialogue of your favorite characters, you may find face to face positions best. However, you may also find your familiarity with the show will allow you to lose yourself in the moment. Go crazy!
Recommended Positions: Face to Face, Acrobat
Bonus features: Dirty role play your favorite characters (“Could I BE any more wet?”)
Playing Catch-Up (The Good Girl/Boy Scenario)
There are times in a relationship you may watch an episode of ‘your show’ without the other partner. In this ‘good’ scenario, you went ahead with your partner’s permission. Maybe you’re one of those forward-thinking couples who allows each other to explore shows without the other partner present. These positions focus on giving your partner the best view while you stay busy.
Recommended Positions: The High Chair
Bonus features: Shh. No talking!
Playing Catch-Up (The Bad Girl/Boy Scenario)
In this scenario, the partner did not have permission to move ahead in the show. You broke a promise to only enjoy the show together. This greatly changes how to approach the catch-up. Bring out the handcuffs because someone’s about to be punished.
Recommended Positions: Handcuffed to a bed, obviously
Bonus features: Take no chances of an accidental spoiler and turn that volume up
Planet Earth
Every now and then we need a break from reality tv in the form of housewives and watch the original reality programming: nature documentaries. Sensual birds of paradise, safari landscapes, carnivorous cravings - you’ll find it very easy to bring out your inner beast. Challenge yourself with positions you’ve always been too reserved to do. They won’t be pretty but they will be wild.
Recommended Positions: Doggy Style (duh), The Praying Mantis
Bonus Features: Make a promise to only make animal noises
Murder/Mystery/Creep Documentary
There’s an obvious trend of creepy, crimey, murdery, addictive documentaries. Not only are they creepy, they’re a huge time commitment, they’re very depressing, and sometimes they don’t even give you all the answers! It’s tempting to just 69 and call it a day. But you have to pay attention and having your head buried in someone’s crotch will not allow for that. For this type of viewing, focus on side, spooning positions. Make sure you both are focused on the details and each other.
Recommended Positions: Sofa Spooning
Bonus Features: Follow-up with a looooong shower
Can’t Stand The Heat
Cooking shows can be relaxing like Barefoot Contessa or stress-inducing like Top Chef. Whatever the pace, do the obvious and move to the kitchen. Have a laptop or tablet handy because you’re going to be moving around a lot. Here’s where we bring out all of our kitchen counter, bent over table, ass against the fridge positions. Set a kitchen timer (you don’t want your dinner burning) and chop, chop!
Recommended Positions: Washing Machine, Sitting
Bonus Features: That bottle of sesame oil has been sitting there awhile
The Cliffhanger - Season Finale F**king
Whether you’ve been watching a show live as it airs or binged an entire season, reaching the season finale is always an exciting moment. Channel that excitement into your sex and bounce it out! I recommend finishing before the last critical 15 moments of the episode. Those surprise cliffhangers could really hurt someone.
Recommended Positions: Bouncing Spoon
Bonus Features: Write down your predictions and reward those that were close
It Was all a Dream - Series Finale F**king
You’ve spent the last few weeks (or months) watching this show. It’s likely you both will have a lot of emotions attached to the show and to the characters. Give the show and sex the respect it deserves. Deep, long, and intense positions.
Recommended Positions: Deep Impact, Cross
Bonus Features: Keep tissues close by
*In both season and series finale sessions, be sure to make time for a post-finale recap. Ask each other questions: What did you think of that finale? Was it worth it? What would you do differently? *