To touch or not to touch

As I sit from couch to bed to chair to couch during this Twilight Zone quarantine, I wonder who I’ll be when I and the rest of the world hopefully crawl out of it. Until now, I’ve written about the connections my sex life brings to my real life, a concept I won’t be doing much of for the foreseeable future.

But multiple friends have already pointed out to me the idea of this being a great time to partake in an activity I relish and often joke about - the activity of self-love. Even the NYC Health Department has rated masturbation 10 out of 10 Hitachis when it comes to safe sex in a COVID-19 world. Most of you know, when my libido is functioning at a normal pace, it’s high. I hear her in the back of my head silently celebrating the health department’s decision, like, “Bitch, strap in. This is what I’m made for!”

I am 100% behind NYC Health Department’s suggestion but I don’t know if I’m there yet. Especially with each passing day I wake up in my childhood bedroom. Yes, I chose to spend this quarantine with my parents. Of all the scenarios that could bring me back here, I would’ve rated nasty divorce way above nasty virus. But here we are. My independence traded in for a backyard and some human contact with those that made me.

I’m not complaining (that much). There is no perfect scenario for this time. I feel grateful I’m afforded the option to escape to somewhere I ultimately knew was better for me. Buuuuuttttt. Of course I’m jealous of those who have someone with them they can get down and dirty with. I’d like to believe my shacked up lovers are raw with panic fucking. 

Ultimately, I admire the NYC Health Department’s horny advice but I understand if some of us aren’t quite ready to get down and dirty with ourselves. These are stressful times and perhaps you’re choosing to focus instead on perfecting your sourdough starter or in one friend’s case, learning how to cook rice. Please, please, please for the love of Moira Rose, do what you need to do to stay safe, sane and healthy these days. But when you are ready, myself included, be sure to follow those same instructions you did when cooking that rice - give yourself a good rinse. You don’t need that excess stickiness.

Emojibator

I’ve never been a strong emoji user. Something about being a writing major and emoji user never sat right with me. It’s why when texting a potential ‘love interest’ in the early stages of our getting to know each other, I find if they use too many emojis, I am easily turned off. If they communicate in gifs, I will flatline. We’re adults. Use your words. But! I have finally found an emoji that turns me on. An emoji I wouldn’t mind being used over and over (and maybe under?) again.

Meet Emojibator.

Emojibator launched in 2016 back in my neck of the woods in the great city of Philadelphia (Go Phils!) by Joe Vela and Kristin Fretz. The two ‘believe in humor and education to promote a society that celebrates pleasure.’ Pleasure and humor? This sexually peaking comedian was an immediate fan.  

Emojibator currently offers 5 types of Emoji-themed vibrators: the Eggplant (🍆), the Chili Pepper (🌶), the Banana (🍌), the Chickie (🐣), and the Shark (🦈). But when the time came for me to decide which vibe I was going to try, I went for the signature dish - the Eggplant. The Eggplant was the original Emojibator, the ‘Magic Kingdom’ if you will. And if it’s your first time in Disney World, you always start at the Magic Kingdom.

My Eggplant Emojibator arrived directly into my little, Brooklyn mailbox - no signature needed. What a sigh of relief when your sensitive deliveries arrive safely and don’t get sent away to die at your local two and half star, kill-me-now post office (Did you know 🏤 is a European post office emoji?!).

I was already running late for work but I couldn’t resist tearing the package open for a look. This little guy was cute and quite frankly, didn’t look like a vibrator at all. At first glance, it looked more like a novelty chapstick more than anything. As somewhat of an artist, I’ve enjoyed this trend of colorful, beautiful, artistic, cleverly created sex toys. I’ve always been a fan of vibrators that can be left out without too much worry. No, I don’t want a glass dildo centerpiece in my living room but I wouldn’t blush too hard if my little Eggplant Emoji was accidentally on display.

Later on, I was pleasantly surprised to learn my Emojibator has an impressive 10 speeds. Usually when something is that cute, you expect it to be just that - cute. Like I imagine a Hello Kitty waffle iron maybe doesn’t make the best waffles, right? Plus, I was always more of a Keroppi head, anyway. But this lil nightshade has all the fun, alternating speeds like any other hand-held vibrator you’d pay upwards of $50 for.

Another pleasant surprise was how the slightly curved shape of the eggplant hugs and contours in all the right places and yes, it is safe for insertion! 😍😍😍!

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I was so excited to surprise a special friend with my new eggplant. I was even more excited when, at my arrival, he had freshly picked carrots from his garden* ready for me to taste. The vegetable Gods were indeed having some fun and I knew with Eggplant Emojibator, we were about to have some fun as well.

*I only date people with gardens