As I sit from couch to bed to chair to couch during this Twilight Zone quarantine, I wonder who I’ll be when I and the rest of the world hopefully crawl out of it. Until now, I’ve written about the connections my sex life brings to my real life, a concept I won’t be doing much of for the foreseeable future.
But multiple friends have already pointed out to me the idea of this being a great time to partake in an activity I relish and often joke about - the activity of self-love. Even the NYC Health Department has rated masturbation 10 out of 10 Hitachis when it comes to safe sex in a COVID-19 world. Most of you know, when my libido is functioning at a normal pace, it’s high. I hear her in the back of my head silently celebrating the health department’s decision, like, “Bitch, strap in. This is what I’m made for!”
I am 100% behind NYC Health Department’s suggestion but I don’t know if I’m there yet. Especially with each passing day I wake up in my childhood bedroom. Yes, I chose to spend this quarantine with my parents. Of all the scenarios that could bring me back here, I would’ve rated nasty divorce way above nasty virus. But here we are. My independence traded in for a backyard and some human contact with those that made me.
I’m not complaining (that much). There is no perfect scenario for this time. I feel grateful I’m afforded the option to escape to somewhere I ultimately knew was better for me. Buuuuuttttt. Of course I’m jealous of those who have someone with them they can get down and dirty with. I’d like to believe my shacked up lovers are raw with panic fucking.
Ultimately, I admire the NYC Health Department’s horny advice but I understand if some of us aren’t quite ready to get down and dirty with ourselves. These are stressful times and perhaps you’re choosing to focus instead on perfecting your sourdough starter or in one friend’s case, learning how to cook rice. Please, please, please for the love of Moira Rose, do what you need to do to stay safe, sane and healthy these days. But when you are ready, myself included, be sure to follow those same instructions you did when cooking that rice - give yourself a good rinse. You don’t need that excess stickiness.